He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.