I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
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Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
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He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.