Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.