True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed