all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
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Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do