Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.