some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
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I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
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how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.