I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.