Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery