I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
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that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
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I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.