Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....