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my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
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