Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.