Just fell off a train. Bad.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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