My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer