He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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How many fucks given?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
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You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?