I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
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Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower