One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.