I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
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I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
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I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.