I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.