your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
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I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.