I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
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You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
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hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?