His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao