NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.