They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...