I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle