I'm drunk and he's still weird.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.