Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!