He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
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You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful