So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
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We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
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Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.