I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.