Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today