I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it