I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
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Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
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I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.