Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Massachusetts (978)

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  im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid

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  (978): im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid http://tfl.nu/59ax
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  and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.

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  (978): and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic. http://tfl.nu/tsdy
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  He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.

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  (978): He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore. http://tfl.nu/4chi
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  Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."

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  (978): Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil." http://tfl.nu/0231
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  it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny

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  (978): it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny http://tfl.nu/hpxx
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  And I can feel feelings now and they hurt

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  (978): And I can feel feelings now and they hurt http://tfl.nu/fxac
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  I guess, just don't make it awkward

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  MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY

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  (978): I guess, just don't make it awkward (603): MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY http://tfl.nu/y6gk
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  why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.

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  (978): why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk. http://tfl.nu/9kux
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  Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it

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  (978): Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it http://tfl.nu/eab6
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  so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?

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  (978): so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call? http://tfl.nu/91ao
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  Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?

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  (978): Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before? http://tfl.nu/qhly
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  my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.

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  (978): my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck. http://tfl.nu/9a64
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  i used baking grease as lip gloss

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  (978): i used baking grease as lip gloss http://tfl.nu/a8ny
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  dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.

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  woah 15?

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  i know! what is this dateline?

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  (978): dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation. (1-978): woah 15? (978): i know! what is this dateline? http://tfl.nu/8i0q
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  he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket

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  (978): he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket http://tfl.nu/jdxn
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