You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.