corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.