But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow