i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
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i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
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so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction