Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
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you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
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I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems