Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
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Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
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But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.