Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.