she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
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Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
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i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"