Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
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Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
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So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.