Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment