You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere