Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.