Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant