alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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