Sex on roller skates
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.