Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.