In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
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he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
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Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.