I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.