Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
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Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
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I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.