Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"