I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
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You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
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the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.