Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
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I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
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I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.