Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.