He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?