there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
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Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
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It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.